did you get engaged???
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
