Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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