It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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