just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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