I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
