Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
