LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
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