can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize