Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
