im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize
