By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
