I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
