I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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