How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
