friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
