Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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