OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I fill condoms, not promises.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
