I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
