meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
