Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
