I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
