I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
