Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
