i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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