Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
