How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
