You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
