i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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