I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize