My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
