He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
