WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
