life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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