____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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