why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
