we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
