when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
