dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize