I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize