boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize