just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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