Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
