she woke up with a sticky ear
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
