I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
