my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Farmville is her only friend.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
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