this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
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