I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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