I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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