Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
