Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
did i walk over a car last night?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
