It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
