I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
