Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
