the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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