Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
