considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
