i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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