If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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