During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
