i wish my penis had a tongue
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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