I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
