Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
