handjob tips. give me some.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Randomize
