God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
